Department of Health and Sanitation
Authorities in Southern California are informing residents “No Pool is Safe-Do Not Assume the Pool you are about to jump into is Turd-Free.”
It’s been brought to the attention of Just A Casual Observation that the Department of Health and Sanitation has been swamped over the last two weekends with a record number of complaints in Southern California--that people are leaving unrestrained fecal matter in the local swimming pools. Just A Casual Observation interviewed Los Angeles County resident, Holly McCarthy about her past weekends at the pool:
“I was visiting friends with my husband down in San Diego two weekends ago, where some little kid crapped in the pool. Unbeknownst to others, one father quickly noticed it was his son’s so he discretely swept it with his hands out of the pool and kept it on the down low. Only one other person besides us saw this. The others kept swimming with no idea they were sitting in a turd tub!"
They didn’t close the pool because there was no life guard or pool attendant.
JCO: Are you sure it wasn’t just a Caddyshack reenactment? A Baby Ruth perhaps?
“No, they looked more like little kid Whoppers than an adult chocolate candy bar. There were no laughs to be had since behind the scene dad was giving a spanking."
JCO: Was this an isolated incident?
“Absolutely Not. The next weekend back in Los Angeles-- in a totally different pool, the totally same incident occurred-so it seemed at first.”
JCO: Please, elaborate.
“At first it appeared to be another innocent kid turd when one of the victims sitting around the pool pointed out it was way too large to come out of a child’s ass. At this point all pool-goers agreed the proper authorities could use DNA to trace the turd back to the perpetrator. So we all did nothing to remove it to try to preserve the crime scene. So my neighbor and his girlfriend and friend just swam around as if they didn’t know it was there. The fools almost compromised the crime scene by stepping on an essential piece of evidence!”
JCO: Was the Perpetrator ever apprehended?
“The profile was determined to be a Male 15-85 in boardshort or some kind of unconventional swimsuit with no-lining. Authorities say he has now retreated South and is working the pools of Orange County. It was reported he left a trail along the coast. Long Beach had a sewage spill last week. Coincidence? ”
Using DNA and infrared sewer tracking , authorities are confident they will crack “Jack the Ripass” before the suspect hits the pools of San Francisco.
0 comments:
Post a Comment