Caddyshack Gopher Sells Out Hedgehogs

Bushwood Country Club- The 18 hole golf course used in the 1980’s movie, Caddyshack, has been seized by the US Government, and is currently under investigation by the US Treasury Department & the Securities Exchange Commission (SEC).

Investigators have brought in Bushwood groundsman, Carl Spackler, to translate into English, the shocking statement given by the Gopher from the 5th hole. “According to the gopher,” Spackler starts, “the hedgehogs have been stashing money in the upper 9 since the late 90’s. The entire course up there is full of hedgehogs stashing credit losses deep under the fairways.” Carl interrupts,

“uhhh..I can concur with what the gopher says. The upper 9 are full of varmint poon-tang… from all over the world… flocking to the pools of paradise funds under the upper 9..Restricted…to only hedgehogs.. that’s what the gopher is saying, man.“

the Gopher continues…

“Hedgehogs are unscrupulous when it comes to manipulating money and real estate!” They moved in on Bushwood when Alan Greenspan endorsed sub-prime mortgage ARM’s for the entire course. The hedgehogs created underground networks to manipulate the value of the upper 9 holes of the course.

"It’s practically fund fun or fund of fund fun under every fairway. The hogs have created massive underground pools-and swim in all the money they stash between the hedges."

The Gopher pulls out a revised map of Bushwood’s underground sprinkler system—revealing a complex network of tunnels above the 8th hole that resemble the Paris Metro system.

Carl continues to interpret:

“uhhh….The Paulson Pool starts under the 9th hole, the funds flow through Johnny’s Advantage Plus Fund tunnel—then makes a 24% rate of return to the right and drops under the 11th hole sand trap. Then under the 10th green, where its mushy, that’s the beginning of the Jimmy Medallion Renaissance Pool, whose stash increased 58% pushing out Ye' Olde Atticus and Hermitage Funds stashed over by “the Citadel” right under the 12th tee. “

The Howardhogs call their pool Brevanville flowing perpendicular to the 13th fairway intersecting with the Clariums and Clives 14th and 15th all breeding profits that are currently straining the infrastructure of the course’s entire sprinkler system.

Certain parts of the hedgehog’s fund activity is NOT being reviewed by the Board of Directors at Bushwood Country Club. Bushwood Country Club clubhouse manager Lou Loomis speaks for the Club,

“Our hands are tied, these hedgehogs migrate to the Wild West for winter…Piss in all the pools and drink-up funds like fucking fish, then hit the links and trash the course—stashing toxic and sovereign funds in places where the sun don’t shine. “

Profiles of Holiday Alcoholics

“Call it what you wanna call it, I’m a f*cking alcoholic.“
- Xzibit

Let’s face it, a major part of the Holiday Season is booze. Typical non-drinkers get toasted at the work party, drinkers revel in open bars at Company Christmas Parties and Alcoholics are powerless to the free flow of it. Alcoholics use the Holiday Season to fall off the wagon in the hopes of turning it around in the New Year. Add this to the stress of traveling and spending time with family…everyone’s getting wasted. JCO has made a little round up of the various types of Holiday Alky’s that you may run into this year at your Family Holiday Visit.

1. The Right –On Alky – This alky speaks mad truths with brutal honesty when wasted. His (or her) hostile and offensive delivery masks the truth and evokes defensiveness. Often not until the next morning is it obvious that The Right-On Alky has called it once again! F*ck him for being right!

2. The Crazy Shit-Talker Alky – This alky is often having a White Christmas if you know what I mean. Flurries. A snowball. S/he gets fired up with self-referential stories that don’t involve present company. Incites and tries to incite fears with paranoid shit talk and clinging to grandiose asshole points of view.

3. Outside in the Driveway Smoking Alky – When inside, this alky is grumbling and grunting in the corner. Often times this alky keeps booze in the trunk to act as a mini-bar in the drive way for the rotating gang that needs to “step outside and regroup”*. This group can be diverse: young angsty cousins who just picked up smoking, older alky cousins who are getting slowly absorbed into the first generation alky-clic, and opportunistic-only-smoke-while-drinking-alkies.

*this term can also be used for the family car ride where everybody comes back high.

4. Politico Alky – Pretty self-explanatory, this jerk comes on both sides of the aisle. Often woefully conservative or irritatingly liberal, this over-informed alky cannot be out done, and must have the last word. Has been known to seek refuge with the Driveway Smokers and take on characteristics of the Crazy Shit-Talker.

5. Recent Break –up Alky – This pathetic, annoying, inconsolable drunk should not be indulged. However, once they reach oblivion they should be cared for and, for a second or two, pitied. They are family after all. And breaking up sucks.

6. Recently in Love Alky – This annoying, gloating, self-centered drunk should not be indulged. Try to avoid close proximity.

7. Life-Hater Alky – This guy has gone to the dark side. It might be a Goth Teen, a Closeted Gay, an Unmarried Young “Spinster” or Drug Problems/DUI Guy. This alky may also be seen with the Driveway Smokers. They try to recruit other alkies to the Dark Side with extreme negativity and plenty of booze and “medication”. Try to avoid close proximity.

8. Old World Alky – This imported alky thinks chain-smoking while getting obliterated is acceptable in any household. Often this alky carries psychological scars from old wars in the old world. Skills in English decline throughout the night. The right thing to do here is to listen to one or two stories. After all, what do you know about war? This drunk successfully drives home.

This is a rough break down for all you JCO readers out there. We encourage submissions for further alky profiles.

People from the past wonder, Why is Everything so HARD to OPEN?!

Recently JCO had the chance to interview some time travelers from 1985. They had two observations that really hit home for JCO, the first one being:

“Why is everything so fricking hard to open?”

TT1 - (Time Traveler #1)- Since my arrival in 2008 I purchased a children’s toy gun for $5.99. While walking with a two year old in my arms, I was attempting to open it and hand it to the 5yr old boy for which it was purchased.
I try and fail to open the cardboard tab and slide out the interior cardboard holding the gun. I realize that it is taped closed and this seemed a little extreme to me. After getting my keys out with one hand and holding the smaller child and the gun in the other hand I am able to use my keys to “cut” the tape open. OK. Here we are. I slide the gun out with its attached cardboard and try to pull the packaging away. No luck. Damn these are some strong rubber bands! One more try…nope…it doesn’t budge. OK. I have to stop, put down the baby and look at this thing. No less then 7 wire twisty-ties are lashing this 5 dollar gun to the backing. Give me a break!
I’m glad I didn’t buy it for him for Christmas. What a let down. A whole bunch of gifts you can’t even open.
JCO - Hahaha, welcome to the 21st Century. I recently bought a 3.99 cell phone headpiece to go with my new phone. I hopped in the car and started driving. I tried to pull it open. After clawing at the hermetically sealed package I pulled over. After some inspection I realized that I would need a box cutter.
Later, at home I was able to take my time and cut through all three layers of packaging. Plastic-cardboard-plastic again…

TT - It’s ridiculous!


Later our conversation brings us to the second point:

TT2 - What do you mean you can’t leave your kids in the car when you go shopping anymore?!? What are you supposed to do with them?!

JCO – It’s true. You can’t leave your kids in the car anymore, when you go into the store. Not even for a few minutes.

TT2 – It is really no ones business what I do with my kids!


TT3 - Why just yesterday I left my three kids in the car by themselves while I ran into the Piggly Wiggly. I was almost done shopping when I ran into my neighbor Marcy. We got to yapping and I have to say I forgot all about the kids. I didn’t even think to leave until the cart boy came by to tell me that the older one was beating the middle one while the baby was just wailing away in the front seat and honking the horn. Well, I rushed to check out and went out there and gave those kids a piece of my mind. Of course, that was before the move. It was back in 1985!


JCO: Well today if you did that some one would call the cops. You could be ticketed and arrested . Hell, you can’t even leave your dog in the car anymore. Did you know that?

TTs - (Collective gasps!)

If you wonder why these things are less shocking to you considering YOU WERE ALIVE IN 1985. I can explain. In two words

Compassion Fatigue.

Compassion Fatigue is defined as: a gradual lessening of compassion over time.

This term was coined in an effort to explain the apparent lack of any real or organized resistance of the German (European) Jewish Community in the years leading up to an including WWII. However, this brilliant term can be applied to many groups and in effect, everyone. Anyone whose compassion is slowly worn down can find themselves living in a world that just a few years earlier would have seemed incomprehensible.


Check back to hear the time travelers weigh in on other topics, such as, the demise of customer service, the sweeping bans on public smoking and maybe most shocking of all, a black president-elect.