Profiles of Holiday Alcoholics

“Call it what you wanna call it, I’m a f*cking alcoholic.“
- Xzibit

Let’s face it, a major part of the Holiday Season is booze. Typical non-drinkers get toasted at the work party, drinkers revel in open bars at Company Christmas Parties and Alcoholics are powerless to the free flow of it. Alcoholics use the Holiday Season to fall off the wagon in the hopes of turning it around in the New Year. Add this to the stress of traveling and spending time with family…everyone’s getting wasted. JCO has made a little round up of the various types of Holiday Alky’s that you may run into this year at your Family Holiday Visit.

1. The Right –On Alky – This alky speaks mad truths with brutal honesty when wasted. His (or her) hostile and offensive delivery masks the truth and evokes defensiveness. Often not until the next morning is it obvious that The Right-On Alky has called it once again! F*ck him for being right!

2. The Crazy Shit-Talker Alky – This alky is often having a White Christmas if you know what I mean. Flurries. A snowball. S/he gets fired up with self-referential stories that don’t involve present company. Incites and tries to incite fears with paranoid shit talk and clinging to grandiose asshole points of view.

3. Outside in the Driveway Smoking Alky – When inside, this alky is grumbling and grunting in the corner. Often times this alky keeps booze in the trunk to act as a mini-bar in the drive way for the rotating gang that needs to “step outside and regroup”*. This group can be diverse: young angsty cousins who just picked up smoking, older alky cousins who are getting slowly absorbed into the first generation alky-clic, and opportunistic-only-smoke-while-drinking-alkies.

*this term can also be used for the family car ride where everybody comes back high.

4. Politico Alky – Pretty self-explanatory, this jerk comes on both sides of the aisle. Often woefully conservative or irritatingly liberal, this over-informed alky cannot be out done, and must have the last word. Has been known to seek refuge with the Driveway Smokers and take on characteristics of the Crazy Shit-Talker.

5. Recent Break –up Alky – This pathetic, annoying, inconsolable drunk should not be indulged. However, once they reach oblivion they should be cared for and, for a second or two, pitied. They are family after all. And breaking up sucks.

6. Recently in Love Alky – This annoying, gloating, self-centered drunk should not be indulged. Try to avoid close proximity.

7. Life-Hater Alky – This guy has gone to the dark side. It might be a Goth Teen, a Closeted Gay, an Unmarried Young “Spinster” or Drug Problems/DUI Guy. This alky may also be seen with the Driveway Smokers. They try to recruit other alkies to the Dark Side with extreme negativity and plenty of booze and “medication”. Try to avoid close proximity.

8. Old World Alky – This imported alky thinks chain-smoking while getting obliterated is acceptable in any household. Often this alky carries psychological scars from old wars in the old world. Skills in English decline throughout the night. The right thing to do here is to listen to one or two stories. After all, what do you know about war? This drunk successfully drives home.

This is a rough break down for all you JCO readers out there. We encourage submissions for further alky profiles.