Atheists Rejoice as the New Large Hadron Collider Searches for Proof of a Great and Mystical Force in the World (NOT God)

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is the worlds largest particle smasher. The collider is contained in a circular tunnel, with a circumference of 17 miles, at a depth ranging from 50 to 175 yards underground. It is located in Europe crossing the border between Switzerland and France at four points. The launching of this new suped-up smasher on September 8th was viewed around the globe by dorky physicists and expectant atheists alike. The first high-energy collisions are expected to take place after 6-8 weeks.

The job of the LHC is to discover the Higgs Boson. The Higg’s Boson could help explain how matter has mass and even more exciting, may offer a glimpse of the existence and shapes of extra dimensions! Extra dimensions are a prediction of String Theory, a model of the universe popular among some scientists that describes nature’s fundamental particles as tiny vibrating threads of energy.(1) Another name for the Higg’s Boson is the “God particle”, much to the chagrin of its namesake, Peter Higgs, who is himself, a staunch atheist.


Eager physicists brushed off suggestions that the experiment could create tiny black holes that could suck in the planet. In short, senior scientist in high-energy physics, Ren- Yuan Zhu said it best, "This is a dream coming true for all particle physicists in the world!"



Cody O., a local atheist has agreed to talk to JCO about the LHC. At his request I am withholding his last name.

JCO: Mr.O, what was your feeling when you first heard that funding for the LHC had gone through?

Mr.O: Finally! We will know if there is something to this Déjà Vu and Sixth Sense business. I mean, don’t get me wrong. There may be larger forces at work in the universe. We just don’t know yet for sure. We need proof one way or the other.
I mean, we know for sure that there is nothing to this god concept. It's just a man made coping mechanism for the weak-minded masses. No facts, no proof. However, I have to admit, for years we have had troubling unanswered questions form our agnostic/spiritualist set.

JCO: Such as?

Mr. O: Do I believe in a sixth sense?
My answer is,
It’s possible.
It has not been proven one way or another.

JCO: Have you ever had the feeling of Déjà vu?

Mr. O: Well, it’s possible that I have had that feeling. And if String Theory is proven once and for all we can have the explanation for it.

JCO: Ok, if it is not proven, then how can feelings like that be explained?

Mr. O: Well, I think you are confusing the issue. You want to trip me up, to say that something, some “power” is out there. My answer is a firm MAYBE.
Faith = Fact
In my world and we just don’t have the science to say one way or the other. Anytime between a year and four years, depending on how difficult this new physics is to find, we will have our answer.


A theoretical physicists at Caltech said the odds of finding the Higgs Boson is 90%, though Steven Hawking has remained skeptical and has taken out a $100 bet that it will not be found.

Good Luck Mr.O!



1. String theory strongly suggests that spacetime has eleven dimensions,[2] as opposed to the usual three space and one time, but the theory can easily describe universes with four observable spacetime dimensions as well.
^ Polchinski, Joseph (1998). String Theory, Cambridge University Press.