Militant French Patriots announced today that they are Fed up with the world’s mispronunciation of its precious language- and were taking active measures to rebrand Detroit, Michigan in accordance to its proper French Pronunciation…Detroit (Day-twah’), Michigan (Mishee-keh’n).
The French militant faction stationed in Quebec say their message is simple: “to let the citizens of Detroit and the people of America know that the ignorance to the history of their city is not going to be tolerated by France or French Canada anymore! Detroit was founded by French explorer Antoine de la Mothe, Sieur de Cadillac. Monsieur Cadillac on behalf of Louis XIV founded Fort Pontchartrain du Detroit in 1701.” cheers Jean-Jacques Le Mans, “now that our currency is much higher than America’s, we are leveraging a buyout of the city. Once we buy Detroit, we will extend the Canadian National healthcare system to the Independent Fort Detroit city-state.”
French Militant leader Count Pontchartrain VII of Brittany says he “cannot watch another day of Detroit in post-industrial decline. Detroit used to be the city of Motown, fresh automobiles and birthplace to musicmakers: Madonna, Iggy Pop, Eminem, Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gaye…Detroit used to SING! ..Now its noise is analogous to a rusty piece of scrap metal being recycled… into a flourishing French city-state- which will be Day-twah, Mishee-keh’n.”
Adversaries claim that the Count’s only interest in Detroit is to avenge his great great great great grandfathers loss of Fort Detroit in 1763 to the British. French fur trappers are relying on their connections with the indigenous people of Detroit to gain support for the buyout and secession. “The situation in downtown Detroit is so bad, we don’t care who takes it over or how we have to say the name, just do something!” instructs Detroit resident Jorhonda Jones. mother of 5 who used to work at General Motors. “In the 60’s we had something to fight for, there was “revolution” in the air. Now we hear about change and help for Detroit – we have been waiting, no change is happening. I think it’s time we give the French system a try- even if it is half Canadian.”
Opponents to the Detroit secession fear that the seizing of Detroit by foreign interest could corrupt the national security of the region. “Once they have Day-twah, the French will head for Fort Wayne, Indiana, then Chicago, and once they hit the Mississippi river, watch out New Orleans.
Conspiracy theorist J.P. Morgan Chase Rockefeller asserts it is part of master plan by the Rothschilds’ to reclaim the real estate swindled away from the French sale of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Insiders say a Baron Rothschild is funding the Detroit buyout with enthusiasm. “he runs around his chateau pretending he is Cadilliac fighting the Ottawa Indians, once he captures Fort Pontchatrain du Detroit then he pretends to tell Robert R. Livingston to Fuck off… No Louisiana Purchase!!!”
Once the re-jurisdiction of Day-twah is complete, citizens will be required by law to learn French, eat ham and cheese sandwiches with wine at lunch, and smoke cigarettes.
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